1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
worst night to have a conscience
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
