Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
