My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
