I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
