im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
