we have pet lesbian snakes
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
