Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
