Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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