there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
