I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
my poor anus
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
