I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
