she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
pray to the hookup gods
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
