I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
