you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
