peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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