if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
