Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
