Best friends brother. Beat that.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
