you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
