she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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