The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
