dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
