she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
