put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
