I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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