Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
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