I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
