He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
