If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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