I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
