i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
