8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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