Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
