every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
