When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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