Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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