Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
