i wish there were pregnant emoticons
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
