I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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