I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
