i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
