i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
