Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
