I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
