I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
