Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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