I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i wish my penis had a tongue
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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