Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
