WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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