I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
